RUMI
by blacktea
Summary: R.U.M.I. (Real User Mapped Interface) runs the Aperature Science Computer-aided Enrichment Center. Seki is just wondering how he got to be a test subject. (But no one needs to be alarmed. Uzawa is probably going to fix it.) So Portal fusion story. Tonari no Seki-kun characters in the Portal world. Because science!


A/N: So last night I had this weird thought about Rumi being like GLADoS in Portal. And then this happened. It's about as creepy as the Portal Games, but nothing graphic. Although at times Rumi is quite threatening.

Also I hope you enjoy this, but don't take it super seriously. it's supposed to be like the Portal game, but it doesn't follow it it entirely. Rumi is the GLADoS, Seki is Chell and Uzawa is Wheatley. That being said, they aren't exact fits for the characters. They aren't intended to be.

This story is mostly dialogue. Or more accurately a more sided conversation between R. . and the ever silent Seki. Any dialogue unless otherwise indicated is being said by her. There isn't really any description of Seki going through the tests. Honestly I think the humor part of the games is more compelling to write about than the puzzle part.

Disclaimer: I don't own the anime or manga of Tonari no Seki-kun. I also don't own the Portal Games.

* * *

"Ohaiyou gozaimasu!"

Seki Toshinari opened a bleary eye and took in his surroundings. He didn't really recognize the room, but something about it seemed familiar.

"Actually it's not morning anymore at all, but as you just woke up it seemed appropriate."

He sat up and rubbed at his eyes. The voice seemed to be coming from the walls or perhaps the ceiling. And it sounded like his director's personal aide Yokoi. She was always nagging him about one deadline or another.

The room he was in looked like a futuristic jail cell. The lack of door made him think it was a Relaxation Vault. (Not that there was really much difference.)

"Oh where are my manners? Welcome to the Aperature Science Computer-aided Enrichment Center. I'm a Real User Mapped Interface, but if you were my friend, you could call me R.U.M.I."

He frowned. That was definitely Yokoi's voice. She was even talking the same, but there was something decidedly inhuman about her intonation and demeanor.

"Although you seem like the silent type. You probably won't call me anything."

It was like she didn't know who he was. Which seemed unlikely given how many times she'd forced him to finish a project on time.

His eyes were drawn to a rapidly dwindling countdown.

"We here at Aperature Science encourage you to have as much fun as possible! And if you find yourself not having fun, to at least conduct yourself in a safe manner. If safety is not possible to maintain, we would hope you are at least actively learning from the experience."

He sighed. Despite how cheery she sounded she was clearly lying. What had she called herself? Real User Mapped Interface. Was it actually Yokoi and not just her voice?

"The portal will open in three, two, one."

He proceeded to go through the short series of pretests designed to acclimate the test subjects to the facility and the portal gun. Everything seemed to be running normally (odd addition of Yokoi's voice aside). Now if could just figure out how he'd become a test subject.

"Wow! That was amazing! You're like super good at this!"

He rolled his eyes. Even though his main focus had been turret design, he'd seen most of the tests in their initial stages and had worked on the portal gun project. He ended up shrugging even though he wasn't sure she could see him. She being Yokoi (or was it this R.U.M.I).

"This means the real testing can begin. I'm pretty excited and I hope, for your sake, you are too. Please follow the lit arrows to Testing Chamber Number Four."

Just after he followed the arrows around a corner a small screen lit up featuring none other that Uzawa. He rose an eyebrow at the extremely annoying man.

"Seki! Good you're okay! There was kind of a little mishap the other...week while you were taking your afternoon nap."

He crossed his arms. He worked the swing shift and slept in one of the dorms in the facility.

Uzawa waved off his irritation. "Whatever. Anyway, the project me and Hashino were working on went a little sideways. Did you know we were collaborating with Maeda's department to create a Real User Mapped Interface to run the facility?"

His head started to throb as a biting headache built behind his eyes.

"In some ways it was like a total success. But apparently, when you take away her humanity, Yokoi-chan has a tendency to release deadly neurotoxins into the air vents and then seize our facility. Crazy, right?"

He started rubbing his temples. He liked his job because he was never bored, but Miss Gotou had been way too lenient when it came to the ethical considerations of research.

"But all that aside, we need your help. Since you're the most qualified for the testing we need you to progress through them until you can access the system core. If you can get there, we've thought of a way to disarm her. It will probably work."

Shaking his head he continued on to Test Chamber Four.

"Welcome to Test Chamber Four! It sure took you a long time to get here, but that's okay. However, timeliness while testing may be prudent. No food or drink will be provided while a test is in session. In case you didn't know, humans need water every three days to avoid dying. Camels can go as long as seventeen days. Also in case you didn't know, you are not a camel."

He had to wonder why she felt the need to be so unnecessarily informative. He supposed it could be some programmed directive, but Yokoi had always seemed a little superfluous to him.

It didn't take him long to clear test Chamber Four either.

"Very good, Seki-kun! Can I call you that? I'm supposed to call you by your designation number, but 006892 seems so impersonal. And I think we may get to be friends with you not dying already. For a surprising number of test subjects, this is simply not true."

Not actually surprising when one considered Aperature's testing procedures. But it wasn't like he cared if she called him by name. After all, that's what she'd done before.

"And please let it be noted your number in no way reflects how many test subjects came before you or how many may come after... Also, for this next test I will not be monitoring you and you will be completely on your own."

He actually snorted.

"Ne, Seki-kun, we're friends now. I wouldn't lie about something like that."

Except of course at the conclusion of the test she was quick to admit that she had, in fact, lied.  
"But I had to. There is no other way to test how you perform when you think no one is watching. I wouldn't lie to you except to ensure your continued adherence to the parameters of the tests I present you."

Yeah that sounded like fun. He wondered what Uzawa and his other less annoying colleges had come up with to stop RUMI. He wasn't entirely sure he trusted them to come up with an adequate solution, but he supposed he had no choice.

They hadn't given him much choice.

"Well, anyway, you did a really good job. I would ask you if you've considered making this your full time occupation, but Aperature Science no longer requires its test subjects to voluntarily elect to participate. So it really doesn't matter if you want to or not."

Uzawa and Maeda had really messed up if Yokoi was saying shit like that. She was probably the only other person he'd worked with who seemed to care about such petty things as human rights and ethics in general.

"So, uh, this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but it has come to the Enrichment Center's attention that this next test is impossible. Please do not attempt to solve it as you will not be able to because, as I said, it's impossible."

What he had long wondered was what some of these tests were aiming to prove exactly. He figured it was obvious that one shouldn't trust a computerized voice that has at the least indicated it's not uncomfortable with presenting perilous situations for the sake of idle curiosity.

"Okay, it seems you are attempting the test anyway despite the fact that you are doomed to failure. Such a determined attitude would be commendable in almost any other situation. Unfortunately, in this one, it just indicates a lack of forethought."

Maybe if the test was actually without a solution, he would agree with her. He just tuned her out and came to the solution six minutes later.

"Very good Seki-kun! You were able to succeed even in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism."

Again. What is the point of testing that?

"The Aperature Science Enrichment Center values the safety of its test subjects. Despite this, some testing environments are not entirely safe. In the event a testing environment is dangerous, I am required to give you helpful advice. Like the floor here will kill you- Do not touch it."

She was just a so helpful.

"Uh-oh. Due to scheduled maintenance, the next available testing area is generally used for military androids. I'm sure you'll be fine. Just remember, unlike an android you have soft vulnerable organs underneath your skin which react adversely to bullets."

He gritted his teeth together, but still managed to get through the next course without injury.

"Great, Seki-kun. Just spectacular. I'm going to let you in on a secret. That last course always has live fire ammo. Some of the people in HR thought misinforming test subjects might make them feel better about the situation."

That wasn't even a secret.

In the next room he was given a Weighted Companion Cube.

"Aw, it's so cute. You're so lucky Seki-kun. The Weighted Companion Cube is almost adorable enough for me to want to be a test subject."

He didn't really think it was all that cute, but the small heart would have been enough to win Yokoi over he was sure.

"If I had a Weighted Companion Cube, I would have tea parties with it and we would both eat cake. Doesn't that sound fun?"

This was ridiculous. What kind of computer wanted a heavy cube with a heart on it?

"Seki-kun your new friend tells me it doesn't feel appreciated by you. It's not kind to be unfriendly. The Enrichment Center would know having 87% unfriendliness rating from former test subjects."

He had to wonder what the other 13 percent thought. He had suspicion they died before they could voice their opinion.

"Oh. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but you can't go any farther with your Weighted Companion Cube. It's going to have to be euthanized." Yokoi actually sounded dismayed.

He shrugged and tossed it into the incinerator.

"Seki-kun! That was horrible! You don't even look sad. I was prepared to talk you into it, but you just- How could you be so cruel?"

Maybe there was something of Yokoi left after all. He'd often had to distract her with cute things to escape her nagging.

"Ne, Seki-kun doesn't this feel familiar?"

He wasn't quite sure what she meant as he went into another testing environment.

"You not wanting to do things and me making you do them. And you doing awful things to poor defenseless Weighted Companion Cubes."

He was not surprised it seemed familiar. It had more or less been their dynamic for the last five years.

"Why does this seem familiar? Why can I not remember?"

He just shook his head. He didn't think any real good could come out of informing her of her previous existence.

"Seki-kun knows something. Seki-kun wouldn't keep secrets from me, would he?"

He just ignored her and finished the test.

The next test should be the final one, but if he remembered correctly it actually ended in incineration. The was also a way to enter the part of the facility that R.U.M.I. shouldn't be able to see him in.

"Okay, well, this is the final test. Not for me, but for you. I've really had fun with you Seki-kun. I hope you have fun."

He sighed. He wasn't sure why, but her sad tone actually made him feel a little sorry for her. Besides, it wasn't really Yokoi's fault Uzawa had done something stupid.

It wasn't too hard to escape the final testing chamber.

"Ne, Seki-kun. Why did you do that? That's not how you're supposed to complete the test."

He quickly came to an intersection and took the second right tunnel.

"Granted, your alternative solution leaves you 82 percent less dead! Great way to think outside the box Seki-kun! But I really need you to _reenter_ the box and complete the final test. This time it won't end with you being turned to ash. Really, Seki-kun, I promise."

"She sure has a cute pout for such a psychopathic bitch," Uzawa commented as he entered the word his coworkers had holed up in. In addition to Uzawa, Hashino and Maeda. There was also Nakama from HR. "Oh, Seki, you made it! Good job. We totally _didn't_ think you were going to die."

Hashino actually smiled at him. "Also you did a great job of distracting her! We were able to make her blind to this whole sector and prepare a solution."

He just stared at Uzawa and Hashino expectantly.

Uzawa laughed. "So yeah we were thinking. Why is Yokoi-chan killing everyone? But then Hashino though she might be upset and Maeda agreed. After all she was crying pretty hard when we uploaded her consciousness and destroyed her body in the process."

_"Seki-kun this isn't funny anymore! It's like you don't want to be my friend."_

He took a step back from them. While Yokoi probably shouldn't be killing people, he really couldn't blame her.

"Also," Hashino said, "We had to delete her human identity from her memory, but that might have impaired her ability to make moral decisions. We didn't want her to empathize with the test subjects, but this is not ideal either."

_"If you're scared to come back because you think I'm going to kill you, I don't think it's necessary for you to be scared."_

They were all morons. There were some things just shouldn't be done. He made a wide sweeping gesture with his hand. He really wanted to know what solution they'd come up with.

Uzawa walked up to him and slung a companionable arm his shoulders and led him to on of the room's corners. "So basically we decided Yokoi needed to have a conscience again. One obvious solution would be to program one, but we don't really have to time for that. That would take years. So the next best solution was to install a functioning one."

What did they mean-

But then electricity was ripping through him as Uzawa shoved some sort of spike into the base of his skull. His blood felt like it was on fire and he couldn't gather his thoughts. And then something was gathering the loose thoughts into a giant wadded ball and it felt like they were suddenly being crammed into a small space.

As the sensations of his rapidly failing body fell away, he was able to see the small metal sphere they were inserting him into.

It didn't feel quite right, but somehow he was able to perceive the world around through the sensors installed.

"Thank you for this Seki-san!" Nakama chirped at him brightly. The attitude annoyed him even more in this instance than it did during his annual evaluations. "I will make sure to leave a really positive remark on your next review."

He missed his eyes. If he still had his eyes, he could _glare_ at her more effectively.

"Yokoi-san really needs to be stopped," Hashino informed him urgently. "She's already killed thousands of people. We could destroy her, but it would be more cost effective to modify her."

Thousands were dead and they were worried about being cost effective.

"But don't worry, Seki. We totally learned from the previous experience with Yokoi-chan. We'll let you keep your memories of being human. That way she'll feel guilty about wanted to hurt humans and then testing can go back to normal. After all, we all do this for science."

But science was supposed to be for people. It wasn't actually enough reason to do atrocious things.

And he wasn't sure she was going to feel very guilty. _He_ wasn't overly concerned about their continued well being.

Using the display monitor on his forehead he displayed the words:

_There is 76% chance this will not end how you have planned. There is 88 % chance you will be dead very soon. There is less than a 1% chance you will like the outcome of your endeavor._

He wasn't sure why he felt compelled to tell them. Maybe they installed some honesty directive.

Uzawa shook his head dismissively. "We know what we're doing. What would you know anyway? You just design robots."

_You should go eat some cake. Clearly you need time to stop being a moron._

Hashino tilted her head. "Seki-san is a lot less nice when he actually says stuff."

But despite his continual barrage of insults they still managed to sneak into the system core. They made sure to disable the rooms defensive capabilities.

"Oh, there you all are! I've been wondering where you had scampered off to. I thought maybe you had died of hunger, but I should have known I wouldn't be so lucky. Have you seen Seki-kun? He kind of broke a few rules and I really need to talk to him. If you tell me, I'll kill you less painfully."

"We're going to stop you!" Uzawa quickly attached him into a compartment of the mainframe while Maeda started pushing some buttons.

And then instead of being cramped he was free. Suddenly he could see everywhere in the facility.

"Oh, what is this most strange feeling. Suddenly I'm reluctant to kill you. That is most inconvenient."

R.U.M.I. was talking again, but clearly having a conscience was enough to impede her ability to be merciless.

Luckily for her he had an idea. It wasn't very hard to separate him and his pesky morals into the many robots that maintained the facilities. The robots were designed to do what she said. So she was free to disregard any moral guidance they may give her.

He watched from an immobilized sentry turret as Hashino and Nakama gave each other high fives.

"Sorry, for the delay. There was a temporary technical issue, but I think I have resolved it."

The four humans froze.

"But don't worry. I remember your earlier choice of a more painful death. Your preference will be taken into consideration. And remember, we do this for science!"

* * *

Let me know if any lines struck you as particularly funny. ^.^


End file.
